A few weeks ago, I had a tough morning at church. Prior to walking into church, I had a good Sunday morning. I walked into the building and connected with several people with smiles and short conversations. I wasn’t struggling.
Until I was.
I could try to explain what happened, but I’m not sure the specifics are important. It had to do with feeling isolated and left out and close to God but very far from a worshipful space. Tears fell, and I didn’t seem to have any control over them. They didn’t seem productive or soothing. I needed to step out.
I left church and went home. I found a streaming worship service, and I messaged a couple people I knew would pray even with the limited details I could give them. The message was just what I needed. But I continued to sob. I was just so…something. Overwhelmed? Angry? Uncertain? No, none of those words really described how I was feeling.
My daughter stopped by with her daughter to check in. As we hugged, my granddaughter was sandwiched and a bit squished between us. When we let go, my granddaughter’s face was beaming with a smile. She loved being sandwiched even if her grandma was sad.
My daughter and I both laughed.
The laughter didn’t make everything better, but it certainly helped. I was able to move forward. There were still many tears that afternoon, but they were purposeful and clarifying. I was able to choose some things that would help with next steps.
It was an odd juxtaposition to know I am in a good place with God but sense him prompting me and giving me permission to worship him in other contexts. To be sad but also thankful and content. To cry and laugh.
And that is life, even with God. We sometimes want smooth sailing. We don’t want something to not fit what we expect. If we feel led somewhere at one point and it was good, we expect to be there longer than we sometimes are. If we feel connected with a person or people and believe purposeful relationships will continue, the purpose can still change.
The journey is worthwhile. My attitude and intention matters. I can trust God, and his presence purpose makes all the difference no matter what I am feeling or experiencing.