The way we satisfy our insecurities often feeds them instead. And it’s sometimes the people who look the most secure who are the least.
As with so many other things, motivation matters. Some people accomplish and succeed as they focus on doing the right thing, growing, helping others. They apply what they know and introduce solutions. They involve others in the process. And they reach some sort of success (whatever the person defines as success).
Others reach the same level of success as they try to satisfy some sort of insecurity. As they reach the next level, receive affirmation, earn more money, or other milestones they feel are important, they push forward because of the hunger they feed. That hunger is often a need to find security and identity. What drives them to help others isn’t the satisfaction of watching someone else’s life grow but the pat on the back for being a part of it. They might gladly spend time and use their skills to assist another, but when they need the other person’s skills, they will get irritated if the person will not reciprocate even if it’s for good reasons. They expect others to listen to their experiences and concerns and beliefs but will minimize someone else’s. The core motivation is self. And it’s often difficult to see in another person, because it’s what is happening under the surface.
People who strive with insecurities as a core motivator aren’t typically malicious people. They often don’t even know their motivations. But they do a lot of damage to themselves and others. Insecurities create a gap in their lives. When we have gaps in our lives, filling them with the wrong things can be as damaging as we feel the gaps themselves are. Feeding insecurities with the wrong things nourishes and grows the insecurities themselves. We feel fulfilled, but the gap deepens, and we experience a more urgent hunger to prove ourselves.
How can we help others deal with such insecurities when they might not even associate their insecurities with the accomplishments and strivings?
First, be aware of such dynamics in your own life.
Second, remember you’re dealing with insecurities that have been fed with pride. What you bring to the conversation can feed the insecurities or feed the pride. Either can be damaging if the person isn’t humble enough to acknowledge what’s happening. Ask more questions than you give theories and explanations and suggestions.
Third, love well. It’s less about results and more about the person. Be truthful and patient.
Finally, be mindful of the potential of the perfect storm of insecurities and pride in people’s lives you might never personally know or interact with yet respect, listen to, and follow. While not doubting everything a person of influence in your life has, it’s important to consider the motivation behind their position (even though insecurities aren’t always a part of the beginning of the process but sometimes grow under the pressures of the circumstances and position). You might never know for sure, but acknowledge the role insecurities and pride might have on the person. Refuse to build someone up so much in your mind that you are shocked to learn their weaknesses at some point.
Remember, everyone is human with the potential for good and not-so-good—including yourself.
What a timely reminder! I tend to be the anxious type. My husband says my worry box is never full, meaning I keep finding something else to worry about and add to the box.
Example: a coworker called yesterday and said she has tested positive for COVID. She is a night shifter, we were in fairly close proximity Friday morning at shift change. (Her cubicle is on the other side of mine and there is only a half wall between us.) Hospital policy is that we wear masks when outside of the office area, but folks may remove their masks when they are in their offices. Well, the problem is, our office houses several people. Most of us are about 6 feet from each other. So our manager told us we did not have to keep them on continuously. I am now questioning the wisdom of that (and have from the beginning.) I wear my mask if I have to get in someone else’s space. Usually. Except I remove it when I get to my deck in the morning. It’s a challenge to make myself clearly understood over the phone with a mask on, lol.
So now I am having anxiety over a) was I really exposed and b) now how do I isolate from my family members I live with??
Living during a pandemic certainly has presented multiple challenges. I struggle daily with have I cleaned enough in my house, have I washed my hands enough, should we be using paper plates instead of reusable dishes (apparently just washing dishes is not sufficient to kill the virus unless you are using a strong bleach solution).
None of this helps my anxiety, that is for sure.
“The worry box is never full.” I’m going to have to remember that one!
I’ll be praying you weren’t exposed. I totally get the work boundaries issue. I experienced a lackadaisical work environment for quite a while. (Now I’m in a much more conscientious place.) It’s not that I worried about it alot, but it was frustrating that everyone working together to take even some minimal precautions could have helped the few of us who felt we had no wiggle room because we were trying to protect our families. It’s such a difficult, odd time. But I think it’s good that we are learning how we deal with it all and what other possibilities of dealing with it all are as well. I sometimes marvel at the disparity in people’s responses (and I’m sure I have my own!). Some people will say certain community cooperation should be in place yet want to do their own thing in other areas. Some people want to toss most restrictions out the window yet want to live by their own standards, which betrays the idea that everyone the premise that everyone can have it their own way. But at the very least, COVID or everyday life, we can acknowledge everyone brings their own insecurities and issues to the table and at least stay at the table long enough to listen to one another and learn.
Keep me updated!
So far so good, no symptoms. I am having to be screened by employee health as a “low risk exposure “, which means I will get texts twice a day for the next 14 days about how I feeling.