Parents of adults need to do what they can to equip adult children to leave and cleave. And it doesn’t start when they become adults. It’s something we instill and pour into kids as they grow up. But here’s how I see it play out in so many families.

We can’t demand participation in certain holidays or family gatherings. We established traditions in our own families. It’s okay for the next generation to establish their own. We absolutely want to spend time with them, but don’t we want them to grow with their own families even more? I’ve found this isn’t at the expense of relationships; it encourages healthy relationships. There’s a respect and appreciation we gain for each other when we provide space and minimize guilt. Holidays are hard enough for many families. Quit demanding everyone show up when you want them to show up because it makes you feel better.

Another thing we can’t demand? Rights as a grandparent. I’m not talking about legal rights when there are safety concerns. But we can’t demand time or relationship with our grandkids through our kids. Get pushy, and the opposite results will grow. Instead, be present and offer to support in ways that are perceived as helpful, not how we would have wanted help. Listen not only to what is said but what the routines and dynamics reveal. If you’re not willing to see and hear beyond what is directly expressed to you, supporting your adult kids will miss the mark nearly every time. We too often make it more about ourselves than others.

One more: don’t expect your adult kids to go through the same issues you had. And that means not offering a solution to everything. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever make suggestions, but you’ll have a more significant effect if you plant seeds instead of demands and expectations. If you’re honest, you likely learned the most from some difficult lessons. That’s how we tend to own the solutions. We can absolutely learn from others but we ultimately have to own the next steps. We need to willingly walk alongside, even slightly behind, our adult kids instead of pulling them along or yipping in their ears. It is so difficult to watch them struggle—probably even more than it was when they were little because of the scope of the consequences, but we raise kids to be adults, not to stay under our wings.

We do our adults kids an injustice when we focus on their connections to us instead of fostering their connections to their own families. We need to encourage them to invest in the relationships they’ve committed to. They don’t have to do things our way. They don’t have to carbon copy us. There is no doubt there is a connection that remains, but as they adult, they leave and cleave, and if we do anything contrary to that process, we are doing them a disservice. We don’t abandon them. We don’t shirk adult parenting opportunities. We don’t get selfish about what we want. We don’t lessen the relationship we have. We don’t weaken the bond. Our responsibility and accountability actually strengthens the next stage of our relationship.

Parenting adults is a lot. It’s also wonderful.

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