Manipulation is when others blame you for your reaction to their toxic behavior, but they don’t discuss the disrespect that triggered your reaction.

This isn’t about placing blame, but there are responsibilities we need to understand in the unhealthy situations and relationships we’re in. Manipulation is rampant in families and businesses. When people aren’t intentional about healthy, functional relationships, we all suffer. Relationships atrophy. But many times, they don’t slowly die and disappear; there is an array of subtle to bold acts of manipulation. And who is often at the helm? Those in respected positions, whether it’s formal or informal. These can be administrators and supervisors at work. They can let clarifications and directions go unanswered and then blame you for taking any or no action. They can project and micromanage guidelines, but there is inconsistency across situations and people. Or these people can be older generations in families who feel entitled to running family dynamics the way they want. They can be a partner we’ve committed to for life, trusting them because of our history, and not seeing what was eroding the foundation until they look us in the eye and strategically stomp one foot in just the place that hurts us the most while they proudly stand high and mighty.

What can we do when we find ourselves in a position in which we’re being manipulated? We’re not victims. We don’t have to fuel the manipulator’s need for control. We don’t need to engage in the blame game. We can take the responsibility needed, because it’s not as if we are never at fault for anything. We can know the difference between toxic and healthy behavior. We can be respectful within the disrespect. We can express our experience of the situation. Or we can disengage. It depends on the relationship. Does it need to continue? Is it valuable to us? Can we have an impact, perhaps not with one conversation or confrontation, but with perseverance over time?

And we can be diligent about not manipulating others. We need to be intentional about the health of our interactions. We need to reflect on how we impact others and how we respond when their version of us doesn’t match our own. If we’re constantly explaining ourselves, defending our behavior, or tying every situation to our own experiences, or if we disengage altogether and demand an action without understanding others’ perspectives, we’re in a danger zone. If we haven’t already crossed into toxicity, we’re teetering on the edge.

Step away from the edge, and invite some security into the relationships you have. Value the people in your life with truth, respect, and healthy boundaries. It’s hard to establish and keep sound guidelines at times, but in the long run, it’s the only way to cultivate dynamics that withstand trials and appreciate successes.

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