To be attacked and accused when it’s justified is one thing. Being faced with the truth can be difficult, but you really can’t argue with the truth. Being wrongly attacked and accused is something else. And it’s difficult to take. When the fight gets personal, it’s tempting to fight back with the same tactics. It’s tempting to assume intentions, fling accusations, and choose the words you know will sting the most. But there’s another way.

I’m capable of fighting dirty. And by “dirty,” I mean anything outside the “fair” zone of Scripture. While I’m not proud of it, I’ll admit I’ve done it before. I’ve flung “you” statements, focusing on the person instead of the issue. I’ve angrily responded to something I heard second-hand or believed someone’s intentions to be instead of searching for the facts. I’ve stewed about something for a season before approaching someone with the issue instead of respecting him or her enough to clarify with compassionate confrontation in a prompt way.

And because I’m admitting to having fought dirty in the past, I’ll also admit something I’ve discovered about fighting dirty: it’s exhausting! It’s exhausting to hang onto things. It’s exhausting to let issues pile up and lead to bitterness. It’s exhausting to try to figure out what someone’s intentions are instead of just asking. It’s exhausting to take control of the situation instead of just asking, “How and when does God want me to respond?”

I don’t take fights as personally as I used to, because I’ve found that when I filter every conflict, issue, relationship, etc., through God’s perspective, my perspective changes. I learn things about myself I didn’t know. He reveals himself to me in fresh ways. I’m rejuvenated even through exhausting conversations. I have peace even in chaotic times.

I try to leave the “I’m being attacked so I need to attack back” mentality behind, because looking beyond it helps me clear my mind and heart, making way for God’s intentions. My perspective is less clouded when I remember I’m not the cause, result, or purpose of something. Involved? Yes. Fully in control? Absolutely not. That’s God’s job.

I recently had a conversation with someone who repeatedly assaulted me with verbal accusations, firmly built on assumptions that (I’m sure) made sense in her mind but made absolutely no logical sense. As she threw one blow after another, I had such an overwhelming peace of God’s presence. He invited me to glimpse at the situation with just a peek into what might be the reality of what was going on. First, she was hurting. I was being blamed for some of the hurt, but it really wasn’t me who could shoulder the blame. (And I’m not saying I am never to blame, because I certainly am! It’s just that I wasn’t to blame in this particular situation.) Instead of anger toward being unjustly accused of a laundry list of infractions, I felt compassion. I was sorry she was struggling. I wanted to help her work through some of the issues. I knew I wasn’t going to be the one to help in the big picture, but I committed to help in any way I could, starting with the way I responded…with respect and compassion instead of retaliation.

Second, I could trust the One I knew could shoulder the pain and hurt. Even though it felt personal, God assured me he didn’t see it that way. He reminded me of the pain he endured for me and reminded me that he’s equipped me to endure some pain for him. I don’t take up his cross because I can handle it. I take it up because he can. I respond in the way that he guides, because he says. I can’t do it in my own strength. I can only respond in his strength.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? (Matthew 16:24-26, NIV)

Then he told me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘You will not succeed by your own strength or by your own power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord All-Powerful.” (Zechariah 4:6)

Because you have a personal relationship with Jesus, you don’t have to take a lot of other relationship issues too personally. It’s personal when God says it’s personal.