Why don’t we listen to each other better? How often do you hear someone, and perhaps yourself, say, “They’re so judgmental.” “They’re so ignorant.” “Why do they have to be so harsh?” “Why can’t they just see what they’re doing?”
I’ve been there, done that, said that. All of it. And what I’ve learned—and am still learning—is to reflect on what I’m accusing. Because so often we expose ourselves by our accusations. I’m not referring to the accusations that are a response to obvious actions or inactions. When we witness something good or bad happening in front of us, we aren’t accusing but observing. However, we move back into accusing when we shift into explaining the whys and hows without truly knowing anything but the bare facts of our limited context of the situation.
We accuse based on our assumptions, and sometimes, we’re accurate. Many times, we will never know for certain. And often, our accusations expose ourselves.
At times, there is no doubt we need to speak up without hesitation. But we likely all agree there are many more times there are a lot of voices chiming in with accusations and assumptions that don’t contribute much beyond noise and confusion. What if we paused and asked ourselves, “How am I _____?,” finishing the question with whatever is bugging us the most?
- How am I being judgmental? What assumptions am I making?
- How am I being ignorant? Is there something I can learn about someone or a situation that irritates me that might help me understand it more? Maybe I’ll still disagree, but what’s the harm in a broader understanding?
- How am I being harsh in my response, even if I feel justified? Is it going to have the outcome I want, or is it even that important to me?
- Why can’t they see what they’re doing? What if they don’t want to see what they’re doing? Just because I think they are wrong and should change doesn’t mean they have any desire to, or that I have any influence into the situation.
Reflection on a situation or interaction doesn’t assume we won’t respond but will hopefully help us respond more appropriately and effectively. Reflection on a situation or interaction doesn’t mean we bear the burden but will help us at least consider some influence or responsibility. Reflection on a situation or interaction minimizes reactionary assumptions and invites responsible influence.
We get to decide.
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Oh let me count the ways…this sounds awfully familiar.
It’s been a while since I have communicated with you or commented. I retired from my hospital job in 2022; 3 days after my last day, our granddaughter was born. I now am her “nanny” Monday through Thursday. My online time is limited as she occupies my attention (and as a toddler likes to “push buttons” on my phone and computer…) In the evening, I am usually busy doing “wifey” things. Husband partially retired last year but plans to completely retire April 1. We are hoping to do some traveling if our health allows, but we also each have other projects we are working on at home.
I find myself limiting my social media time as so much of what fills my feeds is negative. I have come to realize my opinion is just that-my opinion, which often does not mesh with others. I have decided my sphere of influence is limited and I am spending my energies in other endeavors off screen. I find myself pausing a lot more in conversations because my usual immediate response is not edifying.