I want to live my values. And I’m not always consistent. I never want to overlook the connection between my spoken values and my lived values. At times, it can seem like a chicken-and-egg relationship. Do the values I claim drive the actions I take? Do I let my reactions and responses drive my values?

Yes. The answer to both questions is yes. I don’t think we can avoid the dynamic relationship between our claimed and lived values. We shouldn’t, because one flows into the other. Disconnecting them would be unwise and duplicitous. I don’t want to introduce irony and live hypocrisy. I want to be consistent while simultaneously growing. I want to be challenged and refined and changed. I don’t want to give up. I want to be intentional in the direction I take.

It’s frustrating to experience a difference between lived values and those either verbally claimed or claimed in writing. It happens in the workplace. The values espoused in a handbook are betrayed by leadership choices and dismissed by everyday operations. It happens in organizations. A leader who claims to stand firmly on biblical truths and develop curriculum to teach the same to others boldly and publicly lies to save face. It happens in relationships. A partner who claims to love and respect others and to give and serve sacrificially decides personal happiness justifies damage to family and friends. Sometimes it’s the big things, but those are usually easily identified. They’re easily called out. They’re more difficult to defend. It’s the more subtle, slowly growing discrepancies that creep in and erode our character (or sometimes refine it). At times, others notice before we’re able or willing to see the contradictions. But sometimes, especially if we’ve developed our self-reflection muscles, we feel the cracks first. Those cracks can become chasms if not attended to.

Sometimes the cracks are good, even productive. We recognize them, analyze them, then strengthen them. Or recognize them, analyze them, then realize we need to tear something apart so we can refine and strengthen the foundation. There is always pruning and cultivating to do. But if we’re not willing to reflect and analyze, are we able to grow well? Are we reactive or proactive? Reacting to what is around us is important, but intentionality matters. Otherwise there is inconsistency and unpredictability that shakes us and unsettles others around us.

You’ve probably been on the receiving end, when the discrepancy of lived and spoken values expose confusion, frustration, and harm. The unpredictability is staggering to people in its wake. The unfairness. The disrespect. The insecurity. Being on the receiving end of such hypocrisy can serve as a strong motivator to self-reflect and self-correct, so we don’t do the same harm to others.

But it’s a delicate balance. We can want our lived and claimed values to match so badly that we do whatever we can to believe they do. We rationalize, excuse, and deceive. And that inauthenticity reveals some of the most debilitating hypocrisy. We can only self-reflect in healthy ways if we set aside our what-we-want-to-see-in-ourselves and search for the truth. What do our actions reveal? What do our attitudes reveal? What are our true motivations? If we’re not willing to search for truth and contradictions of it, we are not actually self-reflecting. We are self-framing, self-justifying, self-storytelling.

Instead of pointing fingers at others who seem to be doing this, look at yourself first. There is always room to improve. There is always pruning and cultivating to be done in our own lives. There is always accountability to invite, embrace, consider, and incorporate. Accountability and truth—the way forward.

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