How many times will you say or hear, “Who are you voting for?” over the next 10 weeks?

Years ago, it was deemed rude to ask. Voting was more private. I assume it was out of respect for other people, who have an equal right to vote. Each person’s vote is their own. Unlike some countries, we are not told for whom to vote. We struggle to accept our individual vote counts within the Electoral College, but we get to vote. We get to discuss without fear of hatred.

Well, we certainly don’t feel safe at times either. There is too much hatred and fear, divisiveness and disapproval. We feel emboldened within poorly built constructs of our own preferences and tight circles and narrow thinking. We get to individually choose, but we live alongside a very broad community. I think those differences can make us better. We can learn a lot. We don’t have to be the same. We don’t have to agree. The very differences that we believe divide us can actually refine and clarify us. When we humbly engage and respectfully listen, we get to understand others and ourselves better. We get tools that help us interact with others more healthily. We will never be able to see every perspective. But we will be better as we invite conversation, question ourselves, find common ground, learn what needs to be pruned and what needs to be strengthened within us.

I don’t think we should be asking who our friends, family, and strangers are going to vote for. It’s too cowardly. It’s too easy. Because if we get the answer that matches us, we nod our heads and feel affirmed. If we get the answer that opposes us, we get agitated and judgmental. We make it more about us than the dialogue. We ramp up or shut down. We rarely maintain respect and integrity. It can be done, but it’s rare, especially in today’s charged environment.

Instead, what if we asked, “What’s important to you during this election season?” The response will be varied. You might hear a candidate’s name, but more often, you’ll hear an issue that’s important to the individual. You’ll hear a characteristic that’s important. You’ll hear a mourning of what we’ve lost or hope in what we can gain. Follow up with more questions, such as, “Why is it that important to you?” “Are you struggling with anything through this season?” “If so, what?” “How can we get better?”

You’re not going to agree with every answer, but you’ll learn something about the person. As you start to internally formulate responses, positive or negative, pause. Listen more than you speak. And listen to your visceral reactions, because they will tell you something about yourself. After the conversation, as you’ve let it settle, ask what you’re not willing to consider and why. Or why not? How settled are you? Convictions can be good, but they can also be blinding. It’s okay to test what you assume. Strip it all away and see what’s left, because you don’t have to protect truth. It withstands the fire.

It’s important to know what to stand on and what to walk away from, but to jump to conclusions and strengthen divisiveness isn’t helpful, especially in today’s culture. We need to be better.

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