That’s how I felt when he seemed to be pestering me.
He reminded me of his perspective, his truth, and his discipline: the discipline to follow him well, to let him reorient me, to let him prune me.
The morning was going okay but not well. I was holding my own, keeping my head above water. I was on the verge of tears, but I was going to power through.
It’s amazing how often I need reminded that I don’t have the power to power through. I have had just enough success in my own power that I still try. I think my strength is enough.
But something is missing.
I’ve been down this road enough times that I know how it will eventually end. The only difference will be how much time I try to go at it alone before I realize God knows and provides much better and more completely.
In this particular case, I sort of wanted to wallow a bit. I wasn’t ready to surrender. But he brought the right words in the right time. He reminded me of his generosity…and how generous he expects me to be in response. He reminded me of his abundance…and how grateful I am. He reminded me of his grace, goodness, wisdom, sacrifice. It seemed his words were just want I needed to hear, although I didn’t really want to hear them. I might have rolled my eyes at him.
Really, God? Can’t you just leave me be every now and then?
It’s not who he is.
Oh, he certainly gives me space at times, more than I’d like. But he also crowds in. Maybe he’s not really changing his position at all. Maybe it’s just my experience of him. And my experience doesn’t always reflect truth, especially when I’m trying to do things on my own.
So, I rolled my eyes at God. Or maybe I was rolling my eyes at myself? After all, why don’t I learn? Why do I try to push through until I feel like he slaps me upside the head?
I might be asking God, “Really?” but he’s the one who knows the real truth. He’s the one who can set me straight. He’s the reality check.
It’s my choice whether or not I let him check me.
It’s my choice whether or not I roll my eyes at him.
It’s my choice whether or not I acknowledge him.
And it’s your choice, too.