Divorce, My Life with God

Song On Repeat

d755bb82266e94cbae36cac56befbaa4The song Do It Again by Elevation Worship released when I was in the chaos of my ex leaving a marriage I thought would last a lifetime. We were in no crisis, as far as I knew. As a mental health professional, he had not reached out for help, was not willing to try counseling, and simply wanted out in order to pursue something and someone else.

It was devastating to me.

But not quite devastating. I’m still working through the fracture of it all, but I’m also residing in the core stability among the chaos. As I chronicle in Fractured Into Wholeness, one coping and healing strategy for me for those first several months was to walk and listen to music. I’d listen to several albums on repeat, including Elevation Worship. Especially in Do It Again, the lyrics reminded me of God’s promises and his dependability through the most disruptive situations. There was a desperation and surety in the claims as I’d listen to and sing every word. I claimed his truth as tears fell, whether I was alone on a walk or surrounded by people in church.

On a recent Sunday morning, we sang the song again during the worship service. I’m in a different place now. In some ways, I’m in a much better place, but there is still a lot of healing to be done. I still face a constant choice to believe and trust God or to get distracted and discouraged.

But I am “I’m still in Your hands. This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet.”

The same words that nourished me and kept me from the brink of giving up continue to remind and encourage me. And that’s how God works. That’s who he is. He doesn’t give up. Oh, we might. We might walk away and try life another way. But that speaks more to our character than his.

We all have songs on repeat, whether on our actual playlist or in our minds. And what we play on repeat matters.

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