As I recently a short book of the Bible and the deception and betrayal it contains, as well as protection and provision. I reflected on the ways the Spirit guides. The book illustrates how our most painful betrayals often come from those who are closest to us.
I know that experience well. And I know people living in the chaos of it right now.
As I read and journaled through the short book, I became deeply grateful for God’s provision through that horrific season when my ex blindsided me. His deception leading up to the explosion was effective. He covered up well.
So did God. But his covering was good.
My ex’s covering up was devious and deceptive. The intent was to destroy, deceive, and disrespect. God can be none of those things.
I’m not even sure what all God generously temporarily hid from me, but I know it was as protection, preparation, and positioning. Even though I was relationally and emotionally wrecked when my ex detonated the explosives on our marriage, family, friends, and his faith, I was spiritually positioned. I’m not saying it was easy. It was horrific. I still shudder at the glimpse of memory of it. But the core of my faith and who God is nourished me in the midst of it.
I began to realize my ex lit the fuse of explosives long before that night. He said he had thought about it for a long time and later told people we only stayed together for the girls, which was a conversation we never had. But if that’s what he had determined, he’d lit the fuse and deceived himself and many of us for much longer than I thought. It was a slow burn and a long fuse before the impact hit. Some explosives are sudden. Some explosives are duds. Even though mine seemed sudden, I see that was just my perspective at the time.
Does it feel worse that he had schemed and betrayed and lived a lie for so long? In some ways, but I think that hurt him more than me. I couldn’t have said that then, but I have some time that has afforded me perspective. And just as it was then, when I fought to keep my focus on God, that is who I see in retrospect now.
In the chaos of flying shrapnel, in the cries of hurting people, in the stench of dark nastiness, God provided. He was the light. He was the direction. He was the sustainer. He was the navigator. He was the first responder and long-term caregiver. And I am so very thankful.