We need to reflect and accept the responsibility we have in a situation or relationship, but we do not need to accept responsibility for the things we are being told are our issue when they are not. Please hear me clearly: we should not avoid or rationalize away how we are contributing to issues that need to be resolved. But we should not buy into any blame from others who are not self-reflecting and assuming their own responsibility. It’s a fine line to walk. So many want to get defensive and not accept any feedback others might provide. And others are unhealthily sponges who will take on the responsibility just to be able to move beyond the difficulty. But assigning the wrong responsibility doesn’t help us through the issues. It creates unhealthy ruts of dealing with issues that result in toxicity—in the workplace, families, organizations, and friendships.

I’ve been involved in some dynamics recently that have reminded me of the toxicity that results from what feels similar to gaslighting, and it’s been difficult to discern the best next steps. I’ve watched and personally experienced calling attention to issues, primarily in an effort to help resolve them. These aren’t situations of calling someone else out and projecting blame. These are attempts to collaborate, streamline, and improve. Yet I’ve seen a fairly consistent tossed back messages of defensiveness and sometimes blame.

If we humbly bring up issues and concerns, considering multiple perspectives and possibilities, and are told that we are the problem, that we are creating the toxicity we are trying to reveal, that is a warning sign. But the toxicity might not be ours to bear. It might actually be rooted in a lack of self-reflection, knee-jerk defensiveness, and unhealthy organization. It’s important to search for the authenticity of the toxicity. Take responsibility, but do not absorb wrongly projected blame.

Sadly, these type of situations often don’t have a lot of options for resolution. If the person or groups of people want or need to be defensive in order to self-protect and maintain their own reality or sense of control, there might be few options but to build a healthy relationship that calls for moving beyond the situation, organization, or people. While it can seem unfair and even unnecessary, it might be the only healthy option. Only make that decision with authentic self-reflection with enough time to watch for improvement or a lack of it. I always lean into hopefulness, but it doesn’t mean a specific situation will be resolved. Sometimes the hope is in the change required to step through and beyond toxicity.