What do you need in order to forgive? And what does forgiveness mean?

My forgiveness is not based on someone else’s words or actions. I can’t put a line in the sand and claim, “As long as this happens, I will forgive you”….or I will move on or I will feel better. That’s not reasonable. It might be a want some people have, because they might think it will help them heal, but will it?

As many people who have followed me for years know, Fractured Into Wholeness chronicles the most difficult season of my life. The person I’d chosen to live life with and who committed to living life with me abruptly exited, choosing something else without a willingness to process, discuss, and plan.

I don’t need an apology. I was there. While I didn’t get much of an explanation, so I still don’t completely understand, I know the depth of the hurt. I don’t need for him to admit to it. I experienced it. His acknowledgment doesn’t validate my experience. His actions destroyed any trust I had in him, so why would I trust his account or perspective? Even if he had the ability to acknowledge the hurt he caused, the pain doesn’t evaporate. I’ve worked through the pain. I’ve worked to acknowledge, sort, and heal. My authentic growth process doesn’t require any type of validation from someone who caused the pain. The initial betrayal and destruction was his choice. My choice is to heal, not justifying or explaining. It has nothing to do with him. It has to do with me and my health, my growth, my future.

The person who broke you into pieces rarely has the capacity to identify those pieces, gather those pieces, bring those pieces to you, and help you put them back together. Sometimes they can be a part of that process. Most of the time, they have their own pieces to pick up.

I gave away the power for someone to fracture me. Why would I ever trust the same person to have any part of the wholeness process? Of course, there are situations when we heal together with the person who caused the hurt, because they’re humble enough to reflect and admit and want to work through it, and you can see the authenticity through the pain. You see enough wholeness in tact. You’re ready to strengthen the brokenness. But it’s important to know what you need for forgiveness and what you want.

I have forgiven. And I continue to forgive as shards of brokenness begin to poke my mind and heart, spurring yet another, deeper healing. What is forgiveness? I can give a textbook answer, but it’s more important for you to explore what forgiveness means to you. What makes up the process? What choices do you need to make? What conditions do you have? What are your priorities? Who needs to be involved? With every answer, evaluate: what are the implications of your answers, are they reasonable, and are they possible?

Forgiveness is exhausting and difficult.

Forgiveness is beautiful and freeing.

Forgiveness is a choice and a series of choices.

Forgiveness is loaded with surprises for the person who chooses to forgive.

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