We focus on an escalated response instead of the steps along the way. We are responsive instead of reflective. And it damages our relationships. It erodes our healthy coping strategies. It invites us to rationalize misguided blame.

In family, friendships, and work relationships, someone doesn’t notice the raising of the hand, indicating an issue. The patterns of withdrawal, expressions of frustration, interest in improvement are ignored. There are strings of unanswered emails at work, excuses for not sharing responsibilities at home, refusal to engage in the difficult conversations required to resolving conflict and building trust. We are too busy, too dismissive, too disrespectful, too self-absorbed.

We might have more in common than we are willing or able to see. The short distance that could be bridged by turning toward each other and sharing becomes a chasm that divides us. We push others away a little at a time, making too many assumptions and too little engagement. And at some point, we say something that makes the other person feel as if they are being gaslighted.

Haven’t I been bringing this up for weeks or months? Why does it feel like I’m the only one engaging in the conversation or relationship? Is this a power play? Am I being manipulated? Am I imagining what’s happening right now? I’m so confused.

I run into this dynamic more than I’d like. I have a friend who deals with this in her marriage. I frequently encounter it at work. I see the dynamics in other people I know, including both people who are on the giving and receiving end of the skipped steps. Why do we refuse to attend to and fully engage with the people we connect with on a daily basis? Or can we call it connections? We can, but they are not healthy ones. They short-circuit our relationships. And if we rationalize why, it’s probably more our problem than we want to admit.

If we tell people to calm down, let it go, or accuse them of overreacting—especially as a pattern—we need to take a breath and reflect on how we might be causing at least a portion of the dynamic. What if we listened sooner? What if we heard what the other person was saying, verbally and nonverbally? What if we didn’t view the other person as a sum of our assumptions but as a person, who struggles and grows, feels a myriad of emotions, has value as a human and probably in the role and relationship at the center of the interactions?

If we care about others, no matter what the circumstances, we will find a way to respectfully listen, humbly reflect, and authentically engage. And we’ll find ourselves better equipped to make the next steps, not because of an escalated feeling but due to multiple attempts at communication and resolution.

Others are worth the time it takes to notice the small steps on the way to the escalation, because in most cases, the escalation doesn’t need to happen. Always know it’s a possibility; stay invested enough to notice and work diligently to remove the stumbling blocks along the way.

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