I recently posted about healthy confrontation habits. It spurred some interesting conversation. To summarize, confrontation and communication are not mutually excusive. We have generally experienced confrontation in unhealthy ways, whether we’re the confronter or the confronted. So we see confrontation as something negative. We declare we need healthy communication instead, but it’s not instead. It’s within. We need healthy communication within our confrontation. We need sound confrontation as part of healthy communication.

It’s unfortunate we think confrontation is all bad. It might primarily be due to the goals we’ve had and experienced in confrontation. Is the goal to be right, to belittle, or to harshly judge? Or is it to help, improve, encourage, or resolve? Is the focus on ourselves and our perspectives and goals? Or are we sensitive to the other person’s perspective and processing? If we just pounce, we don’t engage. We attack. And that’s where confrontation gets a bad rep.

Maybe it’s not as much confrontation as our approach to any conflict. There’s not just one choice. We can avoid conflict. At times, that’s the wisest option, but many times, we just avoid something that eventually needs to be addressed. Avoiding conflict helps people think they get their way. When they don’t have the difficult conversations, they can imagine reality is as they declare. They don’t give someone else a chance to not only express themselves but potentially impress and influence others.

We can abuse conflict. I see it all the time. It is usually rationalized and excused.

• I need to correct people! It’s all about being right, and I won’t give up until I get my point across.
• People are weaklings if they can’t handle what I have to say. Hopefully some conflict will toughen them up.
• My family just said it like it was and didn’t worry about anyone’s feelings. I turned out fine.
• I’m the boss, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to whip everyone into shape.

Those that are quick to confront without some reflection and empathy usually have issues that range from insecurities, pride, and even inabilities. Even though they can come off as bullies, they’re often masquerading their own weaknesses. The sad thing is, even if someone gently approaches them in order to help, too much defensiveness has built up. They’re often conflicted within, so many people experience them as patient, kind, and helpful. But they take out their issues with specific people or groups of people in their lives and often rationalize the behavior by declaring it’s the other person’s fault.

There’s a better choice: choose to deal with conflict well. Know when to back off and let go. Know when to stand firm but respectfully. Know when to walk away. Be consistent—not with your approach but within yourself. When you find yourself approaching different people inconsistently, projecting fault to others, or excusing your behavior, you need to spend more time reflecting and potentially confronting yourself.

Respect yourself and others enough to want more.

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