Why do we fight? I don’t mean physically, but think about why you argue, stand your ground, dispute? What makes you stand up and speak out?

Confrontation is important. It’s often the path toward resolution. While letting something go can create atrophy, a slow decline, sometimes letting it go is the best option—when nothing truly needs to be confronted.

Confrontation can escalate, but it doesn’t have to. We can learn to confront well. It won’t always go smoothly even when we employ every healthy approach we know. Resolution does not require a specific result. It doesn’t require someone leave their stance and assume ours. It doesn’t require success as we often define it.

We have a lot of unhealthy habits when it comes to confrontation.

Something I often see rooted deeply in confrontation is a fight to control something. We think we know best. We have the solution. To give in feels like loss. But humility wins in the most important ways. The outcome isn’t nearly as important as our integrity. The truth is we don’t have control over a lot of things in our lives. But we can have self-control anytime we choose.

Consider how you define winning. What’s your goal? Is it for someone to agree with you? Something to change? To get your way? I try to keep the reasons I confront rooted deeply within me as well as in the forefront of my mind.

How can I best respond? I get to choose my response. I get to choose what values I expose with my approach. And sometimes, I get it wrong.

How can I respect other people? This one is easy sometimes and incredibly challenging other times. But I’ve learned that letting someone affect me so much that I respond in anger is not worth it. Staying engaged it better, even if I make a calm decision to walk away. There is no need to belittle someone. If someone needs humbled, it will happen. It doesn’t need to come from me. In fact, in a time of confrontation, most people are too defensive to take a step back.

How can I keep myself calm? I can’t make another person remain calm. I can’t manage their anger or anxiety. But I can control mine, which sometimes impacts the other person. Even if my steadiness doesn’t help someone else, it helps me. And one of the by-products I’ve often experienced in such a situation is just enough space to invite calmness, which invites reflection in the moment. When others escalate, we can choose to breathe and allow some moments of observation and intentional decisions forward.

Integrity, respect, and calmness are important to me. They might be the opposite of what’s important to you. And you might be surprised if you take a good look at how you confront, why you argue, and when you fight. It’s worth knowing what’s fueling your fight.

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