“It’s time to move on.”
Someone said those words to me, and it made sense in the context. They are still difficult words for anyone in process to hear. Moving on is a constant decision to heal, forgive, and persevere.
It’s not possible to “move on” as if it’s a one time choice that clearly delineates everything as either before or after a significant event. It is a process, a “moving on.”
I have no doubt this particular person was encouraging me more than chastising me, yet I know many people dealing with some sort of grief who are told to “move on” in a not-so-encouraging way. I think it’s uncomfortable for some people to be faced with the reality of grief, betrayal, or something else that spurs pain, even when it’s someone else’s pain. Perhaps it’s a reminder of the frailty of life, their own mistakes, or a simple discomfort. They want to get the person through it and avoid the wear and tear of the process. But processing and getting stuck in a quagmire are two different things. We might want people to move on so that they don’t get stuck in the quagmire, but they need to go through the process of moving on in order to heal and grow through it. We might think the quick fix is the best way to go, but it often involves a choice to close our eyes and compartmentalize the reality of the situation. We don’t work through the process; we only delay it and let it grow into something it doesn’t need to be become.
It is in the details of the reality, and the way we face them, that we often find the deepest healing and most healthy growth.
I seriously wish folks would not make that comment to anyone going through any kind of grief process. It is so unhelpful . Yes, the grieving
person eventually will come to that realization, but in God’s time, their time, it the time of everyone else.
Then again, maybe the person making the comment doesn’t know what else to say. They either process differently, or haven’t been through what you have been through. I am not so convinced that folks who make that comment are truly being helpful. They are coming from a different angle: “I am ready for you to move on because I am tired of hearing about it.” They may not say it or think it in that way, but deep down…
You will keep moving because of necessity, but it’s not necessarily “moving on”. It is more an effort to not remain stuck.
So sorry for what you have experienced. It is not easy, but your writing shows that you are processing at your own pace and within your framework of faith. Praying for you as you continue in this journey.
You make a good point: We don’t often know why people say what they say. And that includes us. It’s a good reminder that, when we communicate, what we say and do goes through two filters – ours and the other person’s. We understand our own perspective better than another’s, although we’re even limited on how much we understand our own!
I continue to share simply because I hope it helps someone. I am in a good place with God. My relationship with him has been purified and strengthened, and I try to humbly respond so that I continue to grow close to him. I want that for others…no matter what their journeys are at the time. Sometimes my words my calm and other times they might challenged. Growth and healing comes through both. 🙂