Capable

photo-1462042398216-8f22618dc7dfRemember when you were a child, and you didn’t want to do something – tie your own shoes, make a phone call to someone you hardly knew, or tackle the homework you didn’t understand? But your mom or dad assured you, “You’re capable. You can do it.” Maybe you didn’t believe you were capable, but more likely, you just didn’t want to be capable and have to challenge yourself.

I still feel that way at times.

Oh, I love being a capable adult. I like the responsibility and freedom – most of the time. But I recently left an important meeting, where I said, “Well, this is exciting but I never thought I’d be doing it on my own.” Someone in the room chuckled and said, “Well, I’m confident you are capable just from the limited contact we’ve had.”

Capable is a word many people have used as I’ve moved forward in life after my ex decided our marriage wasn’t worth fighting for. Most of the time I heard, “You are capable. You can do this. I know you’re going to be okay.” I felt encouraged. God used others’ assurance to spur me onward. But every now and then, I thought, “What if I don’t want to be capable? What if I’d rather curl up in a ball and quit?” It’s the same vein in which I’ve said, “Why can’t it be okay for adults to throw themselves on the floor and have a fit like kids sometimes do?” Or “Why can’t I just walk away from family and friends, too? Why am I picking up all these pieces just because I’m healthy and capable?” Someone’s recent response to that last rant was, “You could run away, too. But you won’t. Because you love your people.”

Right.

I do.

Capable. But it’s more than that. Beyond capable is a willingness. I’m willing to move forward. I’m willing to stay engaged, be honest, and have hard conversations. I’m willing to deal with the tough stuff and persevere as I heal. I don’t like it at times, but willingness is a strong motivator.

And capable? Well, that’s more God’s job than mine.

I’ll keep yielding and refrain from pity parties and temper tantrums because they weren’t effective as a kid, and now that I’m an adult, the temporary temptation isn’t worth the waste of time.

I’d rather step into and stay in God’s strength and provision.

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