It’s important to know the no.

We can’t say yes to everything. Every yes comes with many no’s, because we can never include one without excluding many. Our focus might allow minimal peripheral vision, but we can’t see in all directions at all times. We miss some things, and that’s okay. We don’t always know what we no, but we can know what we focus upon.

As we know our focus, even as we shift, we can also notice others’ focus. We can see their patterns and inconsistencies. We can recognize their struggles and acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses. But we’re no experts. Knowing ourselves is challenging, and how we know others has to go through additional filters.

It’s painful to see others who cannot discern their no’s. Or perhaps they focus on the no’s so much that they lose the progress only focus invites. Not laser focus, but contextual focus. Laser focus runs us into a wall over and over because we can’t see other paths. We’re overwhelmed and underprepared. We wear a path in the carpet and expense the people around us, because we think we know. But we’re not getting anywhere. If we could notice them—really notice them—people around us could help. They bring other strengths, and we can build trust as we connect. We can ask questions and get support. We can know the no (and yes), because we see a broader reality.

But even if you have people like this in your life, you do not need to get stuck in the rut they’ve created. You don’t have to completely cut them out of your life, and sometimes you can’t. You can see them as a reminder of what not to become. You can keep their comments and behavior in the context of a broader reality instead of being stuck in a vortex of rinse and repeat. You can know no. You can choose to focus on what is happening around you and what’s important to you despite what’s happening around you and what influences collide into or ooze on you. It can be an exhausting experience, which means it can also be a reminder of how to avoid the same type of exhaustion.

How well do you know no? What do your choices model to others? How are your no’s affecting your life today?