Knowing how much encouragement is best for someone to receive is difficult. Encouragement can’t be motivated by the encourager. If our goal is to truly to give someone confidence, hope, and support, we need to know the person and the situation. We cannot know it all, of course. The person needing encouragement often doesn’t know it all. We can’t define everything clearly. We can’t make sense of all the pieces and possibilities. Situations are much more dynamic than that. However, our impact depends on our willingness to listen and be aware, to be patient and bold, speak truth with respect, to never believe we have all the answers.

We can make encouragement more about us than others, which turns encouragement into a monologue, where the priority is expressing ourselves instead of helping others. And much of the time, we don’t realize it. We want to believe we’re helping, so we can’t consider we might not be. The person we’re trying to encourage might not realize we’re not being helpful either. They might be trying to absorb whatever they can. Or they might be rejecting most everything.

We can overwhelm people with our attempts of encouragement. Sometimes simpler is better. Sometimes asking a question is better than giving an answer. Sometimes walking with someone is better than leading as a tour guide who provides every step and suggestion. We might need the person to make a decision or give us permission in the middle of the crisis, but it’s unsustainable and unhealthy for a relationship. We need ebb and flow, intensity and relaxation, invitation and pursuit. Encouragement is a dynamic dialogue, usually over time. The dialogue is not always verbal. We can hear encouragement from people we never sit with face to face, but we engage with our thoughts and reflections. And we need real-lifers to keep us in check as we consider and incorporate the encouragement others give us.

Encouragement doesn’t always give someone an answer. It can introduce an idea the receiver considers but eventually rejects. If we want to instill confidence, hope, and support, we don’t have to fully agree with the person’s determined direction. It doesn’t mean they didn’t hear us or they rejected us. It’s their journey. If our encouragement is conditional, did we have the best motivation?

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