Fractured Into Wholeness

For Better or Worse

FIW23The following is an excerpt from the new release, Fractured Into Wholeness, available on Amazon in print and ebook formats.

No matter how I was being treated, no matter how disrespectfully I was being pushed out of my ex’s life, I was determined to extend compassion and grace. It wasn’t an easy choice. I didn’t do it out of some natural goodness in my heart. I continued to struggle with making the next best choice. I knew it was better to pull up the small sprouts of anger and bitterness when they first appeared than let them take deep root and create a tangled mess.

My last night in the house we’d shared, I cleaned with loving care. I prayed as I scrubbed every corner of the floors, dusted what furniture my ex wanted to keep, and cleaned the piano that had brought us both so much joy through the years. I wiped cabinets and countertops I knew he’d touch often. It was my way of loving and leaving well. That’s the commitment I’d made—for better or worse. This was the “worse” part. And it was a test to see how I would respond. Regardless of how hateful he was toward me, even if he chose to reject me and walk away, I could choose a different response. Because of his choices, I might not be able to stay committed to him within the marriage, but I could still fulfill my commitment to pour into him in the few ways left.

So, I cleaned and I prayed.

I slept in the bed we had shared for years. I hadn’t slept in it since that first explosive night, but I settled in and prayed for him. I prayed for the person who might share that bed with him one day. I prayed for his relationship with God.

And I wept.

It might have been easier to rip apart that bed, to lash out against the woman who was vying for the space I once lived in well, to take what I wanted and leave everything else in disarray. It’s not that I’m not capable of those things. I just didn’t want to leave that way. Maybe I didn’t have the energy to respond in those ways. Maybe I knew everything was messy enough, and I didn’t want more baggage. Maybe I knew my girls were watching my treatment of their dad. I couldn’t process my reasons, but I knew I could walk away knowing I had extended God’s grace and kept my dignity.

1 thought on “For Better or Worse”

  1. I cant imagine how much strength it took for you to clean, and leave your anger behind. I can think of one specific time where I was so angry, I felt my body changing. My anger bubbled up inside like lava that was about to pour out and leave a hot mess. In that moment, I didnt think of grace or compassion. All I thought about was the rage I was holding onto. I thought about how hurt I was, how humiliated I felt and how I wanted justice for what they had done to me.

    Sometimes anger, rage, and even hate consume us. It can be the hardest thing in the world to see past that and CHOOSE to push that aside and find compassion and grace. I have not always chosen well. I’m human and we dont always make the right choices. I still struggle to find grace in that specific situation. I still have leftover anger from that. It lingers, and it’s hard to let go of. I hope one day I can give it ALL to God, and leave no trace behind.


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