If you know me remotely well—in person or through writing—you know I like organization. Cleaning relaxes me. Give me a project, and I will inevitably use at least one color-coded spreadsheet. My house, office, and life are far from pristine, but I function best with order.

Yet some messes bring me deep joy—such as, the remnants of a Christmas well spent.

I don’t try to take it all in. I know that’s not possible. I can’t interact with every person at every moment. I can’t watch each face when a gift is opened. I can’t attend to every need, read every new book, invest in every conversation, and so on. But I can be fully present. I can see what’s in front of me while being mindful of the broader picture. I can consider a variety of perspectives while knowing I can’t control any but my own.

I know people don’t fit into color-coded spreadsheets.

I see a lot of individuals and families try it—not literally of course. But a conversation happened years ago, now Person A believes Person B will never change, and likely vice versa. They anticipate the same conversations, interactions, and behaviors, and the second that behavior is confirmed, they settle in more deeply. And anything that debunks the long-standing assumptions and expectations usually gets tossed aside and ignored. It’s more comfortable to stay in the discomfort of being right.

Healthy boundaries are a good thing, but keeping people in a box when they’ve grown or are growing beyond the box we’ve placed them in is a deception we decide to reside in. Perhaps the intent is to keep someone else in a box of expectations and rationalizing they placed themselves there, when we put ourselves and our willingness to open our hearts and minds in a box. Perhaps we’re limiting ourselves more than others. Perhaps if we laid down our expectations and interacted with an approach of curiosity, we’d find new things that reveal growth we’ve been missing because of our own stubbornness.

And maybe not. Maybe we’d prove our expectations all over again. Or maybe the other person needs some time to be vulnerable with us again, since we’ve been living with walls of expectations for so long. Perhaps a once a year family gathering isn’t the time to expect grand change. Is there opportunity and consistency in other situations at other times? Or does everyone go to their own corners and are content to reside there until the bell rings again to call everyone to the middle?

As I straightened up my house, the toys under the couch, scraps of paper and snacks on the floor, and stickiness of spills made me smile. I got to spend the day in the mess. And it was relaxing in many ways—not because of the specific day or situations but because of the interactions that happen in all the in between times. Because of the authenticity of the tough conversations when they are warranted. Because of the moments of silliness and the situations of availability.

When authentic willingness takes priority over assumptions and expectations, messes are more often temporary and mostly enjoyable.

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