We’ve all experienced someone lean forward so hard in a conversation (or, more appropriately, a diatribe) that they allow no room for response. Yet they simultaneously demand it. If there isn’t instant action, there is a settling in of firmness. It might be the repeating of a name, over and over, louder and louder, as if volume and quantity will suddenly motivate a response.
If you’re a witness to the dynamic, it’s uncomfortable.
If you’re the target of the dynamic, it’s embarassing.
If you’re the issuer of the dynamic, it’s time to reflect.
Give people a moment to process and respond. There is time for instant action but there are more times there is…adequate time to allow a pause. When someone’s safety depends on it, instant action is appropriate. When we are problem solving, we need time. When we are motivating, we need time. When we are growing and changing, we need time. Not so much time that we become stagnant, but time nonetheless. We need to pause.
We don’t seem to have much problem with our own pause, when we’re in control of the pause. We allow, even invite, it because we understand it. We might not even realize we have paused, because we’re busy filling the pause. We’re putting in the effort of forward motion. We’re making progress. And that’s why we’re so impatient with others. We selfishly want to make progress or control things. We don’t allow other people time because we don’t like the idea of collaboration with others. We don’t like the messiness of growing relationships, because they take humility. We want what we want, and we want everyone to join us in our goals and timeline.
Good luck with that. The illusion of control is disorienting. If you want to be alone—or limit your relationships to those who owe you or have accepted the conditions you set—self-centeredness is your answer. Keep demanding. Keep repeating. Keep being unrelenting. Get what you want, although the reason behind others’ responses to you might not be what you want. Results can temporarily masquerade motivations, but not forever.
There is another approach. When the motivation is problem solving, motivation, and growth, we invest in others. We listen. We relate. We invite time. It’s not easy. It can be very frustrating at times. Empathy comes more easily to some than others, but if we want to grow in our relationships, if we want to establish and maintain healthy connections, we must empathize. We try to understand even when we don’t understand completely. We ask questions and listen deeply even when we’d rather talk. We plan with others in mind as well as ourselves. We consider the together. We respect ourselves enough to self-reflect, and we respect others enough to get to know them.
Don’t just give others time; give them consideration. It doesn’t mean you need to yield to them, agree with them, or even continue with them. It means you give time and effort to consider the truth—the truth of yourself, others, and the best next steps. Instead of pouncing, pause. Instead of demanding, engage. Instead of embracing or rejecting out of preference or spite, invite a depth of respect and truth that guides the next steps. And you then can confidently move forward.
What do you assume or expect from others, and is it founded? Whether you answer yes or no will determine what steps you take next.
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