We try to be encouraging when we say,

Be more confident. Be more courageous. Be more patient. Be more kind.

At times, it might be the best motivation for the moment, but it might not. We need to know our audience, our motivation, and the timing. Otherwise our declaration for someone to be more confident conveys they’re not confident enough. Telling someone they need to be more bold, courageous, patient, or kind points out they are not being enough. And we certainly do not want people to get stuck in their lessness, their not-enoughness. 

But how do we help them have hope and see the possibilities without discouraging them and risking they get stuck where they are? There’s no single solution or approach that will work. Communication and relationships are too dynamic for a linear cause and effect. But there are some boundaries we can set to help our attempts of encouragement.

Speak when there is hope. If you can see the possibilities in front of someone, you can convey them by how you approach them more than the specific words you say. Authentically engage, listening more than you speak. When you speak, do so simply. Pause long enough for the person to breathe and process. Pause long enough to think before you react. Use simple phrases and short sentences. Read the person’s reaction. The goal is not to prove your point or turn around a person’s mood in the moment. When you invest in someone, the long term effects are just as important as the short term impact. The process will have the deepest, most lasting impact on the results. If you focus only on results, you’ll often shortchange the outcome as well as the relationship.

Encouraging others isn’t as easy as it seems at times. Sometimes it’s a simple smile, but many times it’s much deeper. Encouragement doesn’t fix someone, but it can help them. It can spur them to consider another way, a renewed perspective. It can provide a dose of confidence, courage, patience, or kindness—not because we state it but because we live it.

We can always learn and grow through the words we say and attitudes we have as we interact with others.

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