In order to be able to communicate well with others, we have to know where we are and where we’re headed. We won’t ever have all the details sorted and definitively labeled, but the more confused we are, the more easily it is to allow someone else’s interpretation define and direct us.

Assuredness, the authentic type that comes with the purest self-reflection we can muster, is essential to our interactions. Otherwise, we begin to believe what others assume. For instance, I’ve been involved in a work situation where change is essential. Not only can we not avoid change but it would be irresponsible to do so. Change is required for growth. No one that I am aware of questions the need and the benefits of change, but there is a vast difference in how it is approached.

Some see the need for change and are excited about it but have little influence on it. They are confident they could influence the change if given the opportunity, but instead, they are the recipients of the change. That wouldn’t be negative if those making the decisions had a broader view, but that’s not the case. Those making the decisions deal with theoretical more than practical, results more than processes. Instead of people being equipped through communication and clarity, there is confusion. Change of any kind will always create shifts, which expose problems. One solution is not an end-all. Processes and people must be considered from a broad perspective. Responsible leadership is well aware of this dynamic, and even when it is a weakness personally, they involve the essentially gifted people organizationally. It’s to everyone’s benefit. It builds relationships, trust, commitment, and healthy culture.

When change is not promoted in healthy ways, problems ensue. Trust deteriorates. Commitment dwindles. Culture becomes toxic. It is in these moments leadership has another opportunity to reflect—and change. And it is the chosen response that reveals the core values of leadership, because the reality values of leadership do not always match the written values documented. One option in the difficult situations where change is confusing due to the lack of communication and consideration is for leadership to stand its ground. This reveals a self-protection mode. While the communication screams authority; the process belies the insecurities or inadequacies. Leadership can make matters worse by blaming others. The blame that undermines leadership the most is when they point the finger at others and claim any opposition or even gentle suggestions is a show of unwillingness to change. As they point their fingers, using a gaslighting approach as they claim others aren’t willing to change, they are revealing their own unwillingness to change. The process often reveals more than the words.

This is when our own humble self-reflection and assuredness comes in. We can get defensive. We can believe what others are saying. We can think we have no right to speak up. We can get angry, vindictive, or disconnected. We can act out inappropriately. We can retreat inappropriately. Or we can look at the truth of the situation and respond both appropriately and truthfully. We can be bold enough to speak the difficult words. We can ask questions, bring up potential issues, report messy results. We can stand firmly, not because we have all the answers, but because we’re willing to have the conversations and be part of the solutions. What we’re not willing to do is be blamed for something that isn’t true, such as, an unwillingness to change.

This is one situation, but the dynamic repeats itself is a myriad of contexts. A partner defensively refuses to deal with their own stuff by blaming you anytime a particular issue pops into the conversation. An extended family member continues to try to keep you in a dynamic from years or decades prior despite all the personal growth that has happened in the meantime. Board members claim you are trying to upend the history when you are staying true to the values and goals but looking at solutions through the lens of current options, or you are trying to replace some historical processes that worked with the best practices, which might be more difficult for a time but are better in the long run.

In each of these situations, you can fight for the wrong reasons. You can get stuck, trying to win a situation instead of reflecting on the possibilities and your approach. You can be easily swayed, as varying suggestions seem feasible but not definitive because you haven’t reflected on the most realistic framework. When you are able to take a step back and see a multitude of perspectives, you might be temporarily overwhelmed with the reality of the messes surrounding you, but you will be able to better identify what is happening and choose best ways to respond. Because sometimes you will speak up and sometimes you will walk away, but you will not allow yourself to be placed in a situation in which you are blamed for an unwillingness to cooperate, collaborate, or change.